why are you doing this???

fine!
thanks so much!
you have made my nightmare come true!
thanks so much!
you have made me feel like ripping your head off!
thanks so much!
you have made me just want to ask you...
to ask you why you are doing this?
to ask you what you are trying to do?
to ask you what do you want from me?
to ask you why we must come this far then let go?
to ask you why we have to let go of it all now?

can i just type out your name here?
and let everyone know the real you?
i just have one question left now
what do you want from me?
is it my entire future?
is it my whole life?
is it my soul?
is it my everything?

you don't have to let the whole world know that
you have a new darling
you have a new toy
you have a new statue
you have a new b****
to play with
to cuddle in with
to k***** with
you are such a freaking loser!!!

i had a horrific nightmare that day
that you would someday
confront me with this new thing of yours
and crush my heart with it
that idiotic thing
that flirting thing
that cursed thing
of yours

you have no idea how pissed i am right now
you shall wait to see how much
to see how much i will dig out
about your dirty filthy self
about your using people
i will bring out the true you
just wait you evil soul

you destroyed my life,
i shall destroy yours back...

do you or do you not???

you were being extremely nice the first time i got to know you
you were being so nice last year during our deepened chatter
you were being quite nice the begginning of this year
you were being nice the holidays before the last
you were being fine the last holidays except forgetting me once
you were being solemn yesterday
you were being friendly yesterday night
you were being harsh the first communication we had today
you were being loving the second communication we had today
you were being pissed the third communication we had today

who are you?
who is this?
who is the real you?
who are you trying to be?
who are you trying to hurt?
if it was me
why won't you tell me?
why won't you come clear to me?
why won't you just stand up for your actions?

for a moment
you were exceptionally harsh on me
telling me i was a liar
then you were so nice
telling me it's okay
telling me you're sorry
a while later
you change your mind again
you told me that you needed a break
you told me that you needed to chill off
you told me that you can't proceed

what's all this about?
how many more times are you going to change your mind?
change your opinion?
whatever it is
you're hurting me and it's not okay with me

i just don't get it...

sometimes, i just wonder why you are different...
sometimes, i just wonder why you treat me differently...
sometimes, i just wonder why you are suddenly so nice to me...
sometimes, i just wonder why you are suddenly so harsh to me...
sometimes, i just wonder what should i be wondering about...
and
sometimes, i just wonder how far are you being sincere or
how much you're lying about to me...

i just don't get it why you're so unreliable at times
you just treat me as though i'm your eleventh and still counting
you are such a monster
you lift me high up and then
you suddenly let me drop further than the ground
further into the earth that nothing can ever bring me up again
except your compassion and attention
and who knows what else can help me live again

i found you very nice at first
i had the feeling that you were different from the others
i had the thought that you would not be so monstrous
compared to the rest of the universe
i had the perception that you were the only person
who really understood me
i had the assumption that you would be there for me when i fall
and you were the shoulder i had to cry on

at the time
you were so angelic to me
i never saw the other side of you
whatever others told me
i just defended you over and over again
i just helped change the view of others on you
i just tried my very best
to bring out the very best in you
to tell everyone how exceptional you were
to inform others you were not the liar they thought you were

now
i don't even know who you are anymore
i don't even know how you have changed so much
i don't even know why you are doing this
i don't even know what you are really aiming to do
i don't even know the you i used to know
the you who were so kind and compassionate
the you who were so loving and caring
the you who were so full of feelings and
the you who were so much of a perfect human being

you have changed
a lot
you have changed
more than i can imagine
you have changed
until i can't even call you by your name
you have evolved
into something, someone that is
so inhumane
so disastrous
i wished you never existed

it's been almost a year now
since the day i changed my perception of you
since the day i told the world to change their perception of you
i told them,

" this person is a changed person
this person is no longer the little playful kid
this person is no longer the cheeky soul playing pranks
this person is totally changed
please believe me, it's true "

however
at this stage of the relationship
i have no idea how much you have lied
i have no idea how much you have wished me dead
i have no idea how much you have wished i didn't exist
as much as i wished you hadn't existed and
destroyed a huge part of my life

i should have known from the begginning
that you would turn your back on me
and i thought you were different from the rest of them
but you're just the same as all the liars out there

you're worse than a thief
you're worse than a robber
you gave me hope
you raised me high

but then
you also made me feel i was invisible
you gave me the urge to take away everything
every single thing in your life and put you in my position
so that you could suffer the way that i have suffered
throughout the whole time that i had thought
you and i were one

in a lifetime,
the shadow in pain

after a long long time

i agree
it's been a really long time since the last i blogged
but it's so late now
so
i'm gonna blog tmrw
first thing i'll do when i go online tmrw morning
or afternoon
or evening
or night

no matter what, i'll blog tmrw
okay, nitezz everyone
i know that no one will even read this boring dead blog
but, i'm just posting for the sake of some people
^_^

PMR

bm paper
down the drain
=(

bye~

till a month more

hi, people
this will be my last post until i think after PMR
good luck to everybody who is taking the exam
cya again in a decade... ahh


regards, ^_^

however...

EXAM'S OVER!!!

WHEE!!!

however...

it's just the trials
and we have d jabatan paper on monday... aiyoh! silly
but anyway, d rest of it is over :)
ok, time for actual update
we have hari anugerah on FRIDAY...
there will be an interesting performance by d music students
we will be playing three songs
mainly using three types of instruments
caklempong, gamelan and angklung
a wonderful "think of me" by dharshini
puisi dan lagu by emily, eleasha, syaza and alyssa
and the list goes on and on
hyper and excited to play angklung but not caklempong
mei chern!!! i have no one to laugh at...
unlike in the music room XDD
received our baju thingy today... hehe
sad news here is...
we've gotta stay back! arrghhhhhhhhh
now, bye!
good luck to those of you who are sitting for trials...
nyah-hah-hah-hah

over here!!! shh...

ok...
i know i said in a few weeks, months and months time
but shh...
sneaking online!
ok...
my practical exam is over
thank goodness
sejarah and science paper are over too
but not geography and kh
bye~ gtg
told 'ya i was sneaking online
tell no one i was online
next post will not be this soon
and i mean it this time! XD

But then again...

here i am
posting on my severly injured
and maybe partially dead blog
or more known as the shut down blog
and etc.
blah!
i'm gonna make this quick
i have trials starting tmrw
actually it started today already
i am so not prepared
then i have my practical exam

well, my pieces are not that bad but not that good either
obviously i'm no musically-talented human

my scales will get you on your nerves

and my sight-reading is worse than a grade 1 student's

aural is so unexplainable
and there you have it
a post...
so silly
bye~
exam is like TODAY and TMRW!!!
zzz............
doom-ed
cya next :-
week? nah... too soon
month? perhaps... most probably not
year? that sounds more like it
century? definitely!